Friday, December 24, 2010

Jealous Could Spoil Your Xmas

Jealous could spoil your Xmas

By Joyce Jenje Makwenda
Courtesy of the Zimbabwe Herald

A JEALOUS husband nearly got himself into trouble with a hwindi when he saw his wife walking with another man.

He trailed them from a distance and saw them buying biscuits by the roadside.

The man gave the biscuits to the woman whose husband was following them. The husband then tried to walk faster so that he could catch them "in the act".

The man who had bought the wife biscuits decided to give her the five Rand change from the biscuits, he said "chitorai zvenyu mari yacho mutengere vana masweet". (You can have the money and buy children some sweets).

The husband arrived while the man was handing his wife the R5, he seethed with anger as he had followed them from a distance, "Ho ndizvo zvaunoswera uchita nhai, nhasi ndakubata kunyengerwa mabiscuits netu R5." (So this is what you spend your time doing. How can you exchange it with biscuits and R5?).

The wife and the man who had given her biscuits did not understand what was going on and they looked very disturbed.

"Muri kuti chiiko?" (What are you saying?). The wife asked her husband. "Saka ndiyo boyfriend yako iyi? Uri very cheap." (So this is your boyfriend, you are very cheap).

The man was shocked and did not know what to say. The wife then answered, "Tanzi tibatane na-conductor . . . ". (The conductor has given us a dollar so that we can look for . . .).

She did not finish explaining, the husband was fuming and cut her before she could finish what she wanted to say.

"Kubatana kwekutengerana mabuiscuits, nekupihwa mari yekunotengera vana masweet." (He sarcastically said "how dare you giving it away for a pocket of biscuits and sweets").

They had a heated argument and the wife decided they go to the hwindi who had given them a dollar so that they could look for change.

The husband asked for an explanation and was told what his wife had told him. He did not believe the hwindi and thought he was friends with the man who was with his wife and said, "Ndinoziva sei kuti muri kutaura chokwadi, pamwe isha-mwari yenyu, yamuri kuvhariridza." (How do I know that you are speaking the truth, maybe the man is your friend and you are covering up for him).

Other hwindis ganged up when they saw one of them in trouble and this other hwindi became very excited when he saw this.

The other hwindis told the husband to leave or they would deal with him appropriately.

They asked him how he could ill-treat his wife like that. When he saw that he was going to be overpowered he left and said, "Muzviregere izvozvo zvekutsvagira vakadzi vevamwe varume." (You must desist from your behaviour of match-making married woman with your friends).

When he was leaving the hwindis said, "Amai mukanorohwa muuye pano mutitaurire timudzidzise murume wenyu." (Mother when you get home and this man beats you up come and tell us and we will teach him a lesson).

The man just became emotional for nothing, and nearly landed himself in trouble by jumping into conclusions.

A birthday surprise that a husband was organising for his wife did not take off smoothly as he had planned because the wife became suspicious of the husbands behaviour.

The husband had to work hard to present his wife with a birthday surprise of a lifetime. When the wife came across a receipt which had suspicious items she had her head spinning. The items were: mama lie bling (US$28,00), black power of love (US$25), Little heart (US$26), black stars and heart (US$22.70), rosa heart (US$30,65), svat heart (US$25,54) Girlie Girl (US$20,90), Cod Squid (US$31,99), melting heart T-shirt (US$24) vibrating ling . . . (plus remote) (US$42), KY jelly (US$3,99).

When she got to the last one; Va-Va Voom Boa (US$16), she felt her head spinning it went va va voom, she wondered what that could be. The items came up to a total of US$300.

She wondered what it could be that the husband had bought that could cost so much.

She did not know whether to ask her husband or not, but she did not want to seem as though she was spying on him. She was very disturbed and could not hide it.

She looked for the items on the receipt in the bag but she could not find anything. However, she put back the receipt where she had found it.

She confided in her friend about the receipt and the friend advised her to talk to the husband, and ask for the items on the receipt. She was scared that it would seem as though she was spying on him.

She then asked her to take it easy, so that she could be able to deal with the issue. She took the receipt and went to show her sister so that she could get more advice on how to handle this issue, but the sister asked her to calm down.

The sister knew that the husband was organising a birthday surprise and she did not want to spoil the surprise. She tried to cool her down. It seems she was unsuccessful, she then suggested that they go on the Internet to search for the items one by one. They searched. While there were on the first item, she could not take it.

The sister as a way to cool her down suggested that maybe it was not her husbands receipt after all. It could have landed into his bag by mistake, and yet she knew very well it was his. She (the sister) and her husband knew about the birthday surprise.

As she continued to try to calm her down she assured her that she was going to investigate if the sisterĂ¢€™s husband had bought such items and for whom since she could not find the items.

She (the sister) was also going to ask her husband since the husbands were close. She was trying to buy time as the birthday was just around the corner and she did not want to spoil the surprise.

The day finally came and the husband packed his surprise bag and asked his wife if they could go out. They flew to some holiday resort where he had booked a room. He wished her a happy birthday, and told her that they would be at the hotel for three days.

The wife said that she had not packed anything. The husband sarcastically said, "What did you want to pack, oh, let me guess wanga uchida kupfeka zviwaya zvako or maparachute ako (those very loose unattractive pants).

"You know what, whoever designed those parachutes or zviwaya I don't have kind words for them, ndauya nembada (lingerie) chaidzo kwete zviwaya . . . (I brought you nice lingerie not zviwaya and ma-parachute).

He opened the bag and each item that she had seen on the receipt was for a particular day and for a particular purpose.

He gave her one mbada (vibrating ling . . . ) to put on and they went for dinner, he had his remote control that he was playing with while they were having dinner.

The wife did not know what hit her. Had she continued searching on the Internet she would have known what was happening. She started sweating and could not finish the food, yes that was the whole plan. They went back to the room. It was a beautiful evening.

The three days were great, she had a great time! Had it not been for her sister who calmed her down she could have spoiled this wonderful surprise, by jumping into conclusions. This festive season surprise your partner; give her/him a surprise trip into the world of love. Surprise! Surprise! Please don't spoil the surprise.

Joyce Jenje-Makwenda is a researcher, archivist, author, producer and freelance journalist. She can be contacted on: joyce.jenje@

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